The Actress

You waited patiently at stage door
for a sign
A door-hinge
Something to light your way to me
But I would not bring candle out
I was not the face that I played that night
In truth, I am more merciless than all of them put together
There was never any hope for my leading man.

Keep your distance, flower-bringer
I am resurrected every night but must die again
And all you know how to do
is wait.
4/29/12

The Fool (pt. 2)

I love the ones who have staggered in
From freezing
From survival conditions
Who didn't have a chance but who
beat the odds anyway.

Come to me and tell me all about it.

At first I said that I would listen
Now I am sick of listening
I have a whole garbage can full of regrets, finger pointing, wasted life...
I know you do too
What makes you think you can set foot on my doorstep and open with insults?
I will not hold you.
I will not warm you.

I am in love with those who have never found their dignity, who only strive to dig deeper in the mud
I want my old job back
I want the plain language of those who don't know better than me
I have so much store credit from empty decisions and bad habits
I love my misery
I love foolishness itself

But my one virtue is
I speak with my eyes closed
Feeling out with my mind
I am a seeing fool with a blind heart

But oh, I desire to be tricked again
Knowingly.

4/9/12

Scattered

Scattered

There are parts of me scattered
all around this city
My necklace at a gym
My boots at a friend's apartment
My hairbrush at a man's condo in Burbank
(I was not trying to leave my mark after fucking him, believe you me)

There are valuable treasures that I have lost
Between movie theatre seats
In punk rock basements during
punk rock parties
Dollar bills ripped up to humor the street-corner swindler doing magic tricks...

I would say that I left a little piece of myself
Here
There
To the winds
To be ground underfoot
But in the end
it is all just
Stuff.
4/4/12